A quarter of a century after listening to Duran Duran in the dark, I meet Simon Le Bon. But he’s mute.

SOME of you might be around the same-ish age as me. Some of you may be female, which means you may, around the early 1980s, have been a Duranie. (A devotee of the band Duran Duran).

Growing up in the deep South West, I could never claim to be a full-on Duranie. I never saw them live, or got an autograph by hanging around where they lived.
The closest I got was watching Top of the Pops, several posters on my
wall, a treasured copy of Rio – on vinyl – and fevered discussions with my friend Sally about how we were going to get John Taylor (her) and Roger Taylor (me) to be our boyfriends.

Needless to say, we weren’t as hardcore and loyal as some of our peers. Apart from the soaring Ordinary World, the music faded over the years as did
our penchant for silly hair and duster coats. I grew out of Duran Duran.

Not just a careless memory

Then 25 years later, wandering around the floral pavilion at Chelsea Flower Show like a proper grown-up, I spot Duran Duran’s lead singer Simon Le Bon, walking hand-in-hand with his sickeningly beautiful wife Yasmin.

At first I pretended I hadn’t noticed them, but in my head I’m thinking, “Should I say something? I’m a journalist for goodness sake, I can ask them about Chelsea. What’s the matter with you Hilary, you don’t usually get flustered by fame?”

I sidled up, offered both a handshake, intending to say, “Hello, do you mind having a quick chat about your favourite gardens?”

Instead, I stammer, “Er, hello, I’m Hilary and I’m, er, 41, which, er, means I was a big fan, and, oh, dear, how unprofessional, I, er, wondered if you’d mind if I took your photo . . ?”

At which point, Mr Le Bon takes my camera phone out of my hand, gives it to Yasmin, and gives me a hug, before posing for a photo with me.

But he doesn’t speak*. Not a word. Having interviewed a few pop-stars and actors over the years, I decided the non-speaking thing could just have been a weird celebrity quirk (I’ve seen weirder), or perhaps he was preserving his
voice, as some singers do before a gig.

So I find myself talking to this mute man – whose amazing voice I listened to in the dark, on a flip-up cassette player in my early teens – through Yasmin. But she’s struggling to make my phone take a picture.

It’s all a bit surreal.
She thinks she’s taken it, but it doesn’t click, I have to get her to
do it again. I’m embarrassed. They are both patient. I wave goodbye
and they walk off together again. Not speaking.

I stand still for a while, staring at my phone, wondering. There’s a picture of me and Simon Le Bon on it. Simon Le Bon!

I tweet it, in a completely show-offy way, hoping that somehow my mate Sally, now in her 40s, living in Dorset and mum to three kids, will see it. And be jealous.

Then I remember . . . she’s not on Twitter.

*I found out later that the first gigs on Duran Duran’s massive tour have been cancelled due to Simon Le Bon’s chronic laryngitis

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My little sew and sews

YOU can tell it’s getting towards the end of term in our house when the sewing kit comes out. I say ‘sewing kit,’ but I actually mean a reel of black cotton with a needle stuck in it. We might also have a spool of white, somewhere. Despite being descended from good Northern stock for whom sewing and knitting seems am effortless joy, I’m not one of life’s darners. However, when you have three sons who play football on Tarmac playgrounds, and school trousers cost around £14 a pop for the older boys, it can get expensive. First it’s the hems that go, usually in the first couple of months. I sew them up, usually too tightly, giving a slightly ruched look. Then it’s the knees. I’m not great at patching worn holes, but I can handle a clean tear. And I even sewed myself a pouch on a string to hold my stupid new mobile phone for when I don’t have pockets. Usually, you have to buy a few ‘official’ items like sweatshirts, blazers and sports kit from the school, and then can buy generic trousers, shirts, polos, dresses, skirts and shoes. Back in September, our eldest, Jed, was given his blazer, tank-top, tie and sports kit as part of the deal to turn his school into an academy. The blazer seemed big on him then, and I hoped it would last a couple of years. But already the sleeves have started to look too short. He’s on his second pair of shoes (third if you count the black trainers he borrowed from his brother to tide him over until the Easter holidays). He came home last week with a massive tear in the backside of his only school trousers (two pairs bought, one lost). “I was playing football at break and I stuck my leg out too far. It was embarrassing, as a load of girls were standing behind me, if that’s any consolation” Two days later Dougie, whose official uniform cost £100 back in September, rang me after school. “Can you pick me up? I’ve got a big hole in my trousers. I’ve had to put my sports shorts on underneath.” Yes, he too was playing football at breaktime. The elder boys’ trousers were split on the seam, so were easy enough to sew up. Double stitched. Not neat, but hopefully strong enough to last them for the last few weeks before summer. As I was sorting the washing at the weekend, I found Billy’s school trousers. They have a hole in the knee. Probably from football. I’m not good with holes. I’m sure he won’t mind doing the last half term in shorts. . ?

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Lee Evans to perform in Northampton in June. Tickets go on sale today.

One of Britain’s best-loved and biggest comedy stars, Lee Evans will be performing at Royal & Derngate in June as a warm up to his forthcoming arena tour.

Tickets for his gig, on Thursday June 30 , go on sale at 10am today, initially only to members of the theatre’s Friends scheme. Booking will open to the general public from Friday June 3.

Ex-boxer Lee Evans, whose previous 2008 tour Big was the UK’s biggest ever solo live comedy gig, will be performing from notes trying out new material for his record-breaking Roadrunner tour which will see him perform 50 nights in the biggest venues around. This will be a fantastic
opportunity for Northampton audiences to see this comic genius at work up close before he sets out on tour.

 Tickets are expected to sell quickly and priority booking will be given to members of Royal & Derngate’s Friends scheme (previously called enjoy) until Friday June 3. Anyone joining the Friends scheme during the priority booking period will be eligible to book tickets for Lee Evans at the same time.

Friends can enjoy advance email notification of shows going on sale, ticket discounts, priority allocation of tickets, no postage fees and a host of other rewards, from £30. Tickets range from a minimum of £1 off to £5 off per ticket and 2 for 1 offers, varying from show to show. For full details or to join call Royal & Derngate Box Office on 01604 624811.

Tickets for Lee Evans’ ‘warm up’ gig on Thursday 30 June, 8pm, are priced £28.50 (£27.50 for Friends). Members of the Friends scheme can book by phone on 01604 624811 or in person from Tuesday May 31 to Thursday June 2, from 10am to 8pm.
General booking opens from 10am on Friday June 3, by phone, in person or online at http://www.royalandderngate.co.uk.

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Nothing like a new phone to make you feel old

STILL on the subject of technology, there’s nothing like a Smartphone to remind a parent how fast the grave approaches.

Bloke and I have both recently had our end-of-contract mobile upgrades. While Bloke spent the best part of a fortnight like a besotted teen, gazing dreamily into the huge screen of his huge new phone, I was ready to stamp on mine after a few hours.

Forget downloading apps and posting to Twitter. Trying to transfer my numbers from my old phone to my new one seemed as impossible as trying to extract wind from a newborn. I stomped off to bed, vowing to return it (the phone) to the shop the following day.

The next morning the tech-savvy males of the household had successfully transferred the numbers, backed-up everything to my computer and even defeated a couple of levels of Angry Birds for me. And Dougie worked out within a few seconds how to lock the damn thing, a feat that I’d failed to complete even with the manual to hand.

I handed my old phone on to Son 1, who has been enduring the teen shame of a three-year-old mobile because he lost his new one weeks after his birthday and we wouldn’t buy him a new one. To rub salt into my ageing, Luddite wounds, he managed to set it up to do things I didn’t discover it could do in two years of ownership. It even looks better, and costs him less than it did me. I feel ancient.

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Taming the tiger

ONE of the most common sources of tellings-off in our house involve computer games. (I think pant and sock retrieval from bedroom floors probably ranks marginally higher).

Our kids have an Xbox and were given a Kinect, which allows you to jump about hands-free in front of the telly, for Christmas.

They aren’t allowed to play computer games at all during the week, so at weekends it’s a bit of a scramble to see who can get gaming first.

There’s also the issue of the games being played on the Family Telly in the front room, as we won’t let them have a TV in their bedroom, which according to our eldest sons, makes us some kind of medieval puritans.

There are rules about the Xbox, mostly to do with taking turns, not letting the on-screen fighting displace to the real-world of the living room and playing age-appropriate games when the smaller siblings are around.

While seven-year-old Billy will usually fight his corner quite well to get his hands on the controller now and then (or threaten to tell Mum), Bonnie is really rather left out. Most times I’ll arrive just in time to see her balancing precariously on-top of the back of the sofa trying to get one of her goggle-eyed, game-hypnotised brothers to pay her some attention.

We bought a game when the Kinect came out specifically for Bonnie and Billy, the impossible-for-a-three-year-old-to-pronounce Kinectimals. This features a band of apparently orphaned and abandoned tiger/lion cubs living it up on a desert island.

Naturally, as it was expensive, Bonnie wasn’t that interested, especially as the Kinect machine thingy didn’t seem to be able to ‘see’ her properly, presumably because she’s little. Her Kinect image always looked like it was kneeling.

This weekend, out of the blue, she decided that she wanted to play “tigers,” much to the disgust of her brothers who would be content to spend an entire weekend shooting aliens and zombies.

This time she seemed to get it. She taught her cub how to copy her, doing spins, star-jumps (she’s still very uncoordinated) and how to lie down with her ‘paws’ in the air. It was hilarious to watch.

She particularly enjoyed endlessly, repetitively kicking a beach-ball back and forth with her cub, and shooting it with a virtual water-pistol. She was frustrated by the fact her brothers had to ‘help’ when the machine wanted the ‘player’ to read instructions, or hold their hand still in a specific place to make the game progress.

Still, she was determined to keep playing, and eventually we had to remind her that she too had to play by the rules and let her brothers have a go. “I not sharing,” she announced. “Boys not share theirs.”

She still needs some more training in gaming etiquette. . .

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Who’d have thought, I feel sorry for Posh

BIZARRE as it sounds, I feel some sympathy for Victoria Beckham. It’s bad enough having to endure pregnancy, but having to endure it in the full glare of a worldwide media spotlight is another thing entirely.

True, she’s got millions in the bank from parading the family brand about for many years, but she hasn’t just had her mates and family asking “aww, but wouldn’t it be nice to have a girl?” she’s had the entire planet going on about it.

I hope all turns out well when she has what everyone assumes is a daughter in July.

But I can’t help but secretly hope her little girl turns out to be an insect-collecting tomboy who refuses to wear dresses.

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Chelsea Flower Show: Monday is mental, advice for visitors

Just got back from Press Day at Chelsea Flower Show. How lucky. Tiptoeing through the tulips (that hadn’t gone over in the heat) was a delight this year.

If you are planning a visit this week, there’s a few things you should know. First, if you haven’t got a ticket, tough. It’s sold out.

Cleve West on his Daily Telegraph Garden. Hotly tipped for Best in Show, so my sources tell me

Second, it’s not like it looks on the telly. The gardens are smaller than they look and the site is enormous. It takes an entire day or more to see everything, and that’s when there’s

Laurent-Perrier Garden by Luciano Giubbilei – Nature & Human Intervention

only a few hundred hacks, snappers and celebrities in your way. ‘Public’ days are heaving, and you just won’t see it all. However, you should try to see everything possible, including the tiny gardens in the woods and the entire floral pavilion.
Get there as early as you possibly can and leave as late as you dare.

Again, don’t think just because you see ladies in floaty dresses and strappy stilettos on the TV that you can do the same. These are ladies who arrive by chauffeur-driven car or, at a push, a cab. They teeter about for a bit and get collected at the gate. Monday is mental. It’s so far removed from reality that it gives a completely different view of the rest of Chelsea week.
Most normal visitors will be carrying bags, traipsing from Sloane Square tube and back (about a ten minute walk) and circling endlessly around the site. It’s sweaty and exhausting. Wear a rucksack. Bring a wheely bag if you have a bad back. Pack drinks.

I’d start with the Main Avenue gardens and work around the outside of the pavilion. Then have a break before doing either the floral indoors or the gardens in the woods. Leave the shopping avenue until the end, so you have less to cart about, but don’t forget to leave time as there are loads of goodies (should have bought those gloves. . .)

Work out where the loos and food stops are on your map in advance when planning your route. There will be queues. Also make sure you know your train times. I left the site late, spent £20 on a cab which missed the turning for Euston and I missed my train by one minute, leading to a delay that meant someone else had to retrieve my offspring. Again.

I’ll have to come back and properly upload and caption some of the photos in the morning because I have to lie down and sleep. Happy Chelsea everyone!

Cancer Research/Robert Myers

 
 
More pics to come. . .
 
 

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JLS, Chelsea Pensioners and smartphone issues: just keep posting til phone runs out

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Nice chat with Jo Whiley and mum Christine about naughty daughters and watched JLS flower arranging for The One Show. Only at Chelsea eh?

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Adventures with smartphone at Chelsea flower show

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This is supposed to make life easier, but I’m low on battery so this maybe my only live post

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Bonnie’s besotted by baby (but she’s not getting one)

A MONTH or so ago, Bonnie and I went for a picnic in the park with my heavily pregnant pal, the local newspaper snapper Louise Smith.

Three-year-old Bonnie spent a lot of time trying to work out in her head whether it was really possible for a baby to be inside the massive bump of a tummy that Louise was lugging about. For a few days afterwards, she kept asking if the baby was “out-yet?”

Once newborn Baby Lydia was, indeed, ‘out,’ and the new parents had settled into the reality of post-labour-sleep-deprived-neurotic-hell, we went to visit.

And instantly, Bonnie was besotted. Two-week old Lydia was the same size as her own dolly ‘babies’ but unlike them, she did stuff.

She moved. She gripped Bonnie’s finger in her own tiny fist. She stared at Bonnie and Bonnie stared back, with an enormous grin on her face.

Bonnie tried to ‘dolly’ her. She brought jumpers and blankets, tried to cover her up in layer after layer as fast as Louise and I could remove them. She asked Lydia questions in a sing-song-talking-to-baby voice and once she’d established that Lydia wasn’t going to talk back, chatted away as she did to her dollies.

I eventually prised her away, and in the car on the way home, she announced: “I want a baby,” a statement that I’m sure has terrified generations of mothers.

I explained that she would have to wait until she was a grown-up lady before she could have a baby of her own (while secretly hoping it would be at least 20-odd years before I had to deal with that particular milestone).

The following day she changed tack: “I want a sister.”

No darling, that’s definitely one wish that I won’t be indulging. Four of you is quite enough. Now, where’s that dolly of yours . . ?

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